What I’m Not Supposed to Write
Jan
As daughters, wives, mothers, sisters, friends- we are supposed to be there supporting and loving everyone around us. What happens to us when we don’t have the energy to actively show our love? Is it our fault? I tend to blame myself when things go crazy around me, but is it chaos? Or is it God’s divine design for our lives?
I’ve found in my life that it is definitely easier to write down my feelings than express them verbally. I’m not typically an overly emotional person. I tend to keep most things inside. Over the years, I have found that when I keep things inside, they almost consume me, though. As a result, I can end up depressed and overwhelmed. Surely, I’m not the only person this happens to?
So, what feelings have led me to this post? Some anger, but mostly sadness. In October 2007, my husband and I were blessed with the arrival of our son, Christopher. God truly gave me something so wonderful. God had made it happen so seamlessly that I took it for granted. I didn’t relish enough in the fact that God entrusted my husband and I with his perfect and healthy son.
In the last 18 months, I’ve suffered several early pregnancy losses. It’s been a journey that has, at times, brought my family closer together and at times, further apart. During the most recent loss, I found myself asking God why. What lesson could I possibly gain from suffering this tragedy multiple times? Just so you know, I didn’t hear God’s voice explaining it to me. Looking back, I don’t know who I thought I was to even ask such a question. The truth is that God has used this to draw me closer to him.
I am somehow convicted to write this message in hopes that someone will read it and see a beautiful design in the terrible chaos they’ve endured. I cannot say that I’ve completely healed, but I know that God won’t allow these hurts to scar my soul. He already worked a miracle in my life and I’m ready to go on whatever rollercoaster ride he has planned for me.
Laura,
I feel your pain and know exactly how you are feeling. It is the hardest thing I have ever went through, you have so many questions that go unanswered.
I am truly sorry for your loss and can understand every emotion you are feeling. Been there, done that!
Let’s get together and do lunch sometime soon!
Leah
Sometimes we need to realize that as women, yes we can be loving and caring and supportive to those around us, but we will also have times when we need that reciprocal nurturing from the women in our lives. It took a lot of courage to blog about something so personal and so painful. I wish I could encourage you by saying I saw the divine plan for my miscarriages, but I never did. I can empathize with you as I recall the physical and emotional brokenness that I felt with each one of them and I fully remember feeling closer and farther apart from my family during these times. For me, I just needed time to work through that internal turmoil. Please know that there are women out there praying for you and your two wonderful guys and that you are deserving to have the women in your life support and love you.
Laura,
No matter the point in gestation, I know that every baby taken from a mother’s womb to Heaven is a heart-wrenching loss. I’ve prayed for and grieved for my friends and sisters as they have lost their precious little ones.
I pray that you will gain strength and grow closer to God through these trials. While the reasons for loss may or may not be revealed to you, I trust that Psalm 139 may be comforting to you as it has been to me and many others going through similar circumstances.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on miscarriage; As you’ve implied your title, I think to many it does feel like something that you’re “not supposed to write.” Thank you for reaching out! Sharing your experience is a wonderful way to help yourself and other women who have had similar experiences.
What truth! I too have experienced the loss of a baby. A child I was preparing to welcome into our home, one who already resided (resides still) in my heart. We do not know the plans God has for us, but we certainly know he has plans though. Thank you for sharing! My God bless you and others by your willingness to share!
Laura, Tricia at Once a Month Mom gave me the link to your blog. Thank you for posting about this. I recently suffered through a miscarriage in mid-November. A close friend of mine at church had one at the end of December and my brother and his wife just found out this week that they are miscarrying their first child. I’ve been asking God why. Thank you for posting this and helping to give me some insight into the process of healing.
What an uplifting post about keeping the faith even when it seems hopeless. Namaste!
It is so hard to understand God’s reasons sometimes. I cannot imagine what you are feeling but know God is always with you and will keep drawing you closer to him.
Thank you for your obedience to God in posting this.
I also found your link through Once a Month Mom. I hope getting the chance to write out your feelings has helped.
I have not experienced the loss of a child, but when my first son was diagnosed as a baby with PKU, I thought my world had ended. I couldn’t understand why I had been dealt such a harsh blow. Now having lived with it for almost 3 years, I have come to see that God made my little boy perfectly. I don’t know him any other way. He truly is my miracle child and he is unique. There is a plan and reason for everything. I am still discovering the plan for us, but I am sure now that it happened for a reason.